Staring
by GotU
Summary: Eh, a little streamofconciousness story about Sirius and Remus, in Sirius's POV. Planned as a twoshot. I'm really not good at summaries. Or titles. Oh yeah, and it's SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Staring  
Author: Gotu  
Summary: Eh, pretty much a little stream-of-conciousness story about Sirius and Remus in Sirius's POV. I really am not good at summaries. Or titles. Planned as a two-shot. Oh yeah, it's SLASH.  
Rating: PG? I dunno...  
Disclaimer: No, don't own it, I'm not nearly creative enough. Just using the characters for my own amusement.

Right, now onto the story! (And review, please!)

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I'm staring at him again. It's not my fault, though. My eyes are just attracted to him, like flies are attracted to light. Every time I enter a room, my eyes seek him out, just out of habit.

Not that looking at him is bad for me, or anything. He's most definitely a sight for sore eyes; his brownish hair that looks golden just now, because he's sitting too close to the fire, his hazel eyes that are flecked with green if you look carefully, his face that looks as though he's really in his thirties, because he's always worrying, and his unhealthily thin body, clad in shabby second-hand robes, because that's all he can afford. He has a stupid habit of frowning slightly as he reads, and half-mouthing the words he reads. He's doing it right now. Wonder what he's reading? Probably something dull, like next year's Defence Against the Dark Arts textbook, but I know that as soon as he falls asleep, I'll look for that book and read it so that when he starts talking about it tomorrow, I can say that I read it, too, and that it was rather stupid, really. The only reason I even try to do well in school is to impress him; I was the first one of the three of us to manage the animagus transformation, just to get his praise and to feel his happiness.

Oh dear Merlin he's looking this way. Did he see me staring at him? I hope I didn't look like an idiot, just sitting and watching him. Great, now I sound like a bloody schoolgirl. Ok, deep breathes, just smile and look aw… Gah! He's coming towards me! What do I do? Calm down, he's just your friend, your mate, act normal with him…

"Hey Padfoot. What's up?" Wow, that voice is lovely, so soothing and peaceful. Oh, right, he's waiting for an answer.

"Er, nothing. Why d'you ask?" Oh great, my voice sounded totally unnatural. Why, WHY did I have to pick _him_ to fall in love with?

"Oh, no reason. I thought you were staring at me, is all," he said lightly. Shit! He did see me!

"Er, yeah, I was just, you know…" Does he? No, of course not, finish the sentence, you dolt!

"Spacing out?" he asks.

"Yeah! Yeah, that's it. I was getting bored of this stupid essay," I motion the four lines on the long roll of parchment in front of me. He smirks slightly.

"Wow, I can see you've really been slaving away, eh?" I blush, but he continues, saying, "D'you want me to help you? Because I've already finished that essay. Let's go up to the dorm, then?" I only nod, my mind not comprehending anything other that his offer to go up to our room. God, what's happened to me? Our last year here, and I go and fall in live with my best friend Remus Lupin. A very _male_ best friend. It's so wrong, so unnatural, and yet, here I am, a bleeding homosexual, and in love with a male werewolf. Life's a funny thing, isn't it?

He sits himself down on his bed with sleek elegance that only comes so naturally to a werewolf. I, on the other hand, had to practise and perfect that sort of elegance. I suppose I can thank my parents for at least one thing other that my good looks. I make to sit on my bed, which is to the right of his, but he pats the space right next to him, indicating that I should sit on his bed. Numbly, I sit down, conscious that I'm blushing slightly. He smiles gently, and pushes my books to the opposite side of his bed. I have a confused look on my face, I'm sure, because he answers my unasked question.

"Sirius, you know I'd just let you copy my essay tomorrow morning. You're preoccupied. What's wrong?" I blanch. How does he know? I can't just blow this off with another lie, because just _can't_ lie to him. It's something I've never been able to do.

"I – I uh, er, I—"

"Yes?" Arg, I can't take this anymore! I've never been in love before, and trust me, if someone had warned me that it would be so painfully hard, I would have opted to have my soul sucked or something so I wouldn't have to feel this. I take deep breathes again. What's the worst that could happen, after all?

Oh right, he could think I'm a freak and never talk to me again, and tell the whole world that I'm _queer_, and I'd be shunned for the rest of my life. Damn.

Well, here it goes.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Staring  
Author: Gotu  
Summary: Eh, pretty much a little stream-of-conciousness story about Sirius and Remus in Sirius's POV. I really am not good at summaries. Or titles. Planned as a two-shot. Oh yeah, it's SLASH.  
Rating: PG? I dunno...  
Disclaimer: See previous chapter.  
Author's Notes: Huggles to all my reviewers, **wowcow, KMK, marauders4, moony25,Katsu Kisune, esaure, **and **butterflywings32**! You guys rock! . Don't forget to review.

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_What's the worst that could happen, after all?_

_Oh right, he could think I'm a freak and never talk to me again, and tell the whole world that I'm queer, and I'd be shunned for the rest of my life. Damn._

_Well, here it goes._

"I'm…"

"Hey boys! Guess what? Evans and I- er, did I interrupt something?" Thank you, James Potter, the world's most ill timed person. He was looking back and forth between Moony and I, in a confused way so typical of him. Remus looked rather pained. Funny, he usually has a lot of patience. Probably spent it all on me and my idiotic stuttering and staring and school-girlish behaviour. I walk silently to my bedpost and bang my head on it. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

"_Hem."_ A loud throat clearing. I turn my head to see that Moony and I are now alone again. Apparently James has left us. Good thing, too, my head is throbbing, and I've probably lost about a million brain cells. Remus quirks an eyebrow uncharacteristically. It's cute. No, NOT cute… endearing? Gah! Must stop having internal dialogues!

"So, you were saying…?" He leaves the question hanging in the tense air that hangs in between us like a thick blanket in the middle of July. Perhaps it was from lose of brain cells, or just my stupid Gryffindor courage, I start walking to him. My legs are moving on their own accord, and that small and unheard part of my brain called logic is screaming at me to stop and run the hell out of there, but I can't. I grab his forearms roughly and pull him close to my own body. He smells of cinnamon, and suddenly, I find my lips pressing lightly on his. His lips are chapped, but it doesn't matter, because as soon as our lips touch, my mind's logical side seems to suddenly take action, and I jump a foot away from him, fear of his reaction clouding my mind. What did I do? I can't even look at him now, but I know what his face will look like: shock, horror, disgust, sad, betrayed. A dry sob threatens to escape my mouth, but Blacks don't sob. I turn on my heel toward the door leading to the common room, but the door is closed and locked. When did that happen? I turn to see Remus with his wand in his now limp hand and remember that we _are_ wizards, after all. Funny how I forgot that. Mother would be disappointed. But then again, she'd be disappointed in everything I am right now, and I really have never cared in all of my seventeen years of existence, so why bother now?

I can't read Remus's face, and his eyes are indifferent. I'm scared, because I have never seen him look indifferent, and I've seen more Moony Faces than anyone, I can bet my life on that. He reaches for me, and I'm backed up against the door, because I'm scared and an irrational part of my brain is telling me that he's going to hit me. I gulp and look away, readying myself for the blow and… he's putting his hands on my waist? He closes the space between us and shuts his lovely hazel eyes and places his lips on mine, and this time, neither of us pulls away. Mmmm, he tastes like chocolate and pumpkin juice form dinner, and his cinnamon-y smell overpowers me. My hand moves to his hair, and it's coarse and tangled, but I don't care, because a wave of emotions wash over me and my heart is about to explode out of my chest from happiness.

Oh great, I sound like a lovesick idiot.

He pulls away, and we're both breathing hard, which is strange, because it wasn't like we were snogging wildly or anything. His eyes are bright, and his aura emanates happiness that only equals mine.

Ok, scratch lovesick idiot and insert lovesick _poet_.

And yes, I do know big words like "emanate".

He grins in a silly sort of way, and I know by the look on his face that I've got the same exact smile. I lean my forehead against his, and quite unexpectedly, he whispers into my ear, "I knew it." My head jerks up in surprise, because I know what he's talking about, and I could have sworn that I had hid my feelings better than Pete hides his secret stash of sugar quills.

Oh, wait. I found those quills last week. Damn.

I manage to say, "So why did you make me go through all of this?" even though I've got a million more questions buzzing in my head, like, for how long have you known? Weren't you shocked? Why didn't you say anything? Did you deliberately lick your lips after eating that Yorkshire pudding at dinner tonight because you knew that… whoa, stop right there. He gives me a little shrug and a half grin that tells me that he wanted me to be able to come to terms with my unnaturalness by myself. I love how I know what he's saying by his little gestures.

I don't care that we're moving toward my bed, or that James or Peter might walk in at any moment, or that my lungs might explode because I'm so involved in kissing Remus again, or that tomorrow the whole school might find out about me and him and we'll be shunned from the world. Because right now, life is alright, and I'm a boy with an unnatural love for another boy.

Oh, well.


	3. Epilouge

Title: Staring  
Author: Gotu  
Summary: Eh, pretty much a little stream-of-conciousness story about Sirius and Remus in Sirius's POV. I really am not good at summaries. Or titles. Planned as a two-shot. Oh yeah, it's SLASH.  
Rating: PG? I dunno...  
Disclaimer: No, don't own it, I'm not nearly creative enough. Just using the characters for my own amusement.  
Author's Notes:  Thanks, **KMK, ****Katsu Kisune, ****butterflywings32**! You guys rock my socks! And in general, uh, sorry about this ending, I don't think it's all that great. I may redo it. Review, please!

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I'm staring at him again. It's not my fault, though. My eyes are just attracted to him, like flies are attracted to light.

I'm staring at Remus's slightly haggard face in the moonlight, and how that little scar on his right cheek has a dull shine that makes it stand out. His hair is getting grey at his temples, and it looks silvery at night. The shadows and worry lines that he has during the day are less now, because he's so peaceful, and he's got that little smile on his face that tells me that he's content. His chest rises up and down steadily, silently. Wonder what he's dreaming about?

A couple of hours ago, we celebrated our third anniversary, and it was really special, because we stayed up until midnight and then we… y'know. It was lovely. But why can't I fall asleep? There's this weird part of my brain that's telling me to be worried, but there doesn't seem to be any reason. Oh, wait, maybe it was that strangely jealous feeling I got a couple of months ago, when Remus was mourning for that girl in the Order, Dorcas something-or-other. I dunno why, I mean, she _is_ a girl, and Remus loves me, a guy.

Right?

Next week is Halloween, so I mustn't forget to get chocolate for Harry. And for Moony, of course. Hopefully I'll actually remember that this year. Damn, I forgot, I can't bring Moony to the Potters' anymore. They're under tight security, and for some stupid reason, Dumbledore has asked me not to tell Remus about it. Apparently, according to some nutter called Mad-Eye Moody, "we can't trust anyone these days. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Crazy old coot.

But then, Remus _has_ been gone quite a lot. And he keeps saying that they're Order missions, but last week I specifically asked everyone in the Order if there was one going on, and they all said no, except for Dumbledore, who wasn't there, and Remus who _told me that he was away on a mission_. So perhaps there is something going on…

God, my brain hurts. There has been way too much thinking going on in this poor old brain of mine. I must say, that stroke of brilliance of transferring that Fidelius charm to Peter was amazing on my part. No one would have thought that I could even think of something so smart, much less realise that Peter would be the least likely candidate for this whole secret-keeping rot. I'll confess, though, that that wasn't the only reason I chose Peter. It was also because I know that he'd never associate himself with the wrong sort of people. Remus, well… he used to be on good terms with bleeding Snape, for Merlin's sake! And I know, it's so wrong to not trust your own lover, but lately, something's been off with the two of us.

Whatever.

Tomorrow, Remus has another "Order mission", and for a whole effing week.

But right now, I'll just stare at my Moony, and his beautiful, peaceful face that looks bluish in the moonlight, and that little scar on his right cheek, and his steady breathing, and his lovely hair that's greying at the temples. I have all the time in the world to figure out what's wrong, and I'll always be able to stare at him.

Right?

FIN


End file.
